a pensieve

Posts tagged “on being jobless

2nd month; 2nd week

I’m on my second month of stay here in Singapore and my second week of stay here in Pasir Ris.

I still get depress every once in a while, but that feeling of being needed and “usefulness” made everything bearable. hahaha. I get to help SVC with her online shop, I go to SingPost to send out the orders (and use her laptop for my job hunting) while she’s in school during mornings.

No unnecessary dramas too. I am more comfortable here and one of the reasons is because I get to play with big little Geof. AC and SVC made one of the corners here in the flat as my “room”. It’s soooo cute, it just feels like my room at home.

And as usual during weekends, I get to spend it out and often times with ES. hahaha. He usually takes care of all our expenses then he would give me the receipt so I’d know how much I’ll reimburse him when I finally have work. hahaha.

so far I am generally ok, I am just hoping that I’d find work soonest possible time.

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slightly

This is the longest time that I have been away from home.

Thank You God, for the gift of technology that we can connect to people we love easily these days, but nonetheless.

Today, I am supposed to be going back home. But last Monday, my request for a social visit pass extension was granted so, now, I am allowed to stay for another month.

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I have realized a couple of things today:

a. I think if I had push through with that teaching stint in an English Camp for Korean, I could have bigger chance of getting a work.

b. I feel like I am on a working Holy Week.

c. I am four years too late for this adventure. haha. Or I should just have stayed longer last June.

d. That after thinking about items a-c I didn’t find myself dwelling with it. hmmm, nagmamature na? hahaha.

e. I hate people who are inconsistent, and lately, I am becoming one of the most inconsistent AND unstable person that I know. I therefore conclude, I am beginning to hate myself?!?!

f. I am tired of “drama”. really. I have too much of my own worries and problems to put up with other people’s drama. Hence, I am becoming anti-social hahaha.

g. I miss my mommy and sisters and niece. I really do. But I know that I want them coming here and us making pasyal than me going back home.

h. Haven’t had a single stick since last Sunday night.

i. One of my favorite time of the day is whenever I hear Lia’s Aunt sing to her to sleep.

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this post is slightly “sabog”. hahahaha.


Really?!?

This post have evil thoughts and a bit of pagtatampo too.

Sometimes I don’t believe it when somebody would say that they miss me. See, I am evil haha! Ok, let me explain.

They say they miss me, but I should be the one who’ll go out of my way just to meet them.

hmmm… I know that I don’t have work, and I have all the time in the world, but I don’t have money. So, basically, I only get a chance to go out when I happen to have an interview. What I usually do is to inform people when I have a schedule for an interview, so that I can meet them. But, every time, they are not available (and they will tell me when their available time is, as if I can meet them). Bad Timing.

There are also those times that I will request them to just meet somewhere (not very far from them) so, I don’t have to go out of my way and spend extra for my transpo just to meet them. They can’t. They have work and I don’t.

Or sometimes, I would just be in the area (without telling them) and I would contact them, there are just three things that happens: 1. They won’t answer my texts/calls (they have work and I don’t) 2. And once they answer me, they’d tell me WHY I didn’t tell them ahead of time (as if that changes things!) 3. I don’t see any of them, and I’d be nagtatampo to them while I try to reason with my self.

I am not asking my friends to leave everything behind for me. It’s just sad that they say they miss me but they don’t make an effort to see me or be with me (even for just a few minutes).

So, sometimes I feel like a witch for raising an eyebrow every time some of them would tell me that they miss me. haha!

Cause, if you really miss someone and it’s not that impossible to stop missing them, you can do something about it. I know, cause I do.

NTS: Everybody else is not me.


walk

I have already accepted that I am doomed to walk the Earth alone, not easy, but I made peace with this bit of information for quite a while now.

I remember that whenever someone will ask me questions like “Kumusta na?” (How are you), I would often retort back “Eto pinupunan ng mga gala ang mga kakulangan sa buhay ko.” (I’m trying to busy myself with travels and adventures to cover up that emptiness in my life), yun nga ba ang English translation non? haha!

Anyway, lately, I feel so empty, not alone, but empty. And I think that’s bad. Don’t get me wrong here, it’s just that I’ve always been single (and so used to it), and (most of the times) I am not complaining, basically because emptiness can’t find me. Emptiness can’t find me because I am always nowhere but everywhere.

I love to Travel. I really do. I am always at my happiest whenever I am out in the world exploring, experiencing things, taking pictures and other activities that one do when travelling (the good and the bad). But, with the way things are going for me, I can no longer do it as frequently and as hassle-free as I used to.

Right now, I feel so lost staying put. And emptiness, finally succeeded in trapping me.


Light at the End of the Tunnel

well, it turns out to be a fast approaching train. Argh!

This is an update regarding my previous post: TIMING (to read it again just click on the link).

I thought that that teaching job at a Winter Camp to teach English to Korean kids is already in the bag, well, I thought wrong. We thought wrong, I and the others who were there yesterday at the orientation.

It is just so frustrating and depressing. I have been excited and been looking forward to it for almost a month. Even coming up with a list of what I should bring. Then, just when I thought that orientation is when I will be able to finalize the things I needed to bring, I would finally know that “I am not one of those that they’d bring along”. ohhhh, sooooo unfair.

I get it, I am not the best out there, but it just sucks that they led me on to thinking that I’d be one of those who’d be joining them for camp. I’ve psyched myself (and even those people around me). Did I mention that I was really really excited? hayyy sabi na, Bawal Ma-Excite e!!!

As I was trying to write this entry, I looked back at those days that I’ve written about that camp. I was freaking hopeful. Then, I read my SNEAKING UP ON ME entry. It made me wonder, what if, right at the very beginning, there were already tell-tale signs that I won’t be able to make it to camp? Oh well, at least I tried.

So much for pursuing a childhood dream! For now, I am back to my senseless wanderings.


Phone Call

Today I received a phone call from the headhunter who assists me with that company I had an exam last December 7. It was a step closer to good news. yey!

As soon as I ended up my conversation with Ms. J., I wanted to tell you about it. Honestly, you were the first person that came into my mind that I wanted to share the news with. But as soon I as realized that we’re not really in good terms, nadeadma ang good news. 😦

Oh well, maybe next time, when I am a little more stable.


Bad Vibes

I seem to be always on the edge lately. I have to blame (as usual!) the season! haha! But this year, being penny-less (and just being downright pathetic because of being so irresponsible and immature) is only adding up more fuel to my fire of disappointments and frustrations.

I want to go to places, buy stuffs, and be with people, but I just can’t, UNLESS one of my friends would take pity on me and sponsor me, or or or I would swallow my very bitter pride and ask for some gala-money from my mother.

I know I know, this is all my freaking fault. hayyy I have no right to complain. I have to suck this all up until I am again given a chance to have work and prove that I have learned my lesson and (finally, really!!!!) save up!

I REALLY WISH THAT IT’S JANUARY ALREADY SO I CAN ESCAPE EVERY ONE and EVERY THING. hayyyyy.

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On a different note, I finally got to download episode 1 til 10 of season 4 of Hannah Montana Forever. I have been watching it since yesterday, somehow, I am feeling a bit better because of it. Well, I always used to watch this series every time I am feeling down. I specially liked their season 1!

I have always liked Hannah Montana. I don’t know why. Maybe because her problems are petty and her life is often times fun. Or maybe because of the life lessons they try to teach in every episode.

This is their last season. Kindda sad about it, but it’s part of growing up. Oh well, Hannah has already revealed her identity in episodes 9-10.

I kindda hate that Oliver is not in the show anymore, but I love Miley and Lily’s room and Hannah’s closet!!! The songs from this season are all good! ÜÜÜ